How Does Patriarchy Affect Relationships?

4/3/2026

"Women are unhappy in their marriages because they want men to be more related than most men know how to be. And men are unhappy in their marriages because their women seem so unhappy with them.” - Terrence Real

Many relationship struggles are shaped by the beliefs people grow up with about gender, power, and emotional roles in families. From an early age, men are often taught to stay strong, avoid vulnerability, and handle problems on their own. Women are often encouraged to keep relationships stable, manage emotions, and prioritize others’ needs.

Over time, these expectations can influence how partners communicate, handle conflict, and express emotional needs. One partner may struggle to open up, while the other may feel responsible for maintaining the connection. These patterns can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, or emotional distance in relationships.

Many of these dynamics are connected to the influence of patriarchy, a social system that has shaped gender roles and relationship expectations for generations.

Let’s understand this influence to help individuals and couples recognize the patterns they have inherited and explore Relational Life Therapy approaches to begin building healthier relationships.

Let’s Understand What “Patriarchy” Means in Relationships

The word patriarchy can be understood in different ways depending on context. Some people think of it mainly in terms of social dynamics and inequality, while others see it as a broader cultural system that has shaped expectations about gender, power, and roles in relationships.

Relational Life Therapy (RLT) understands patriarchy from a relational perspective. It is not only about gender, but about patterns of power and hierarchy that place one person “over” or “under” another. These patterns can shape how people show up in relationships, who leads, who accommodates, who speaks, and who stays silent.

From this lens, patriarchy is less about belief systems and more about learned relational habits that can limit mutual respect, emotional honesty, and true partnership. Recognizing these patterns allows individuals and couples to move toward more balanced, equal, and connected relationships.

6 Ways Patriarchy Shapes Relationships & RLT Approaches to Heal

The influence of patriarchy can appear in many areas of relationships, including how partners share power, express emotions, communicate their needs, and navigate equality and modern relationship expectations. RLT by Terry Real offers practical approaches to help couples identify these patterns and create more supportive relationships.

1. Patriarchy Was Built for Stability, Not Intimacy

Historically, patriarchal systems were designed to create social order, hierarchy, and economic survival. Marriage and family structures often focused on property, lineage, and stability rather than emotional connection. For much of human history, relationships were not expected to provide deep emotional intimacy. Love, vulnerability, and mutual growth were not the primary goals.

Today, however, many people want something very different from their relationships. They want emotional closeness, friendship, mutual respect, and lifelong partnership.

Relational Life Therapy often points out that we are trying to be first-rate lovers in an environment that didn’t teach us how to love well. Through this approach, couples are encouraged to learn and practice relational skills such as honest communication, emotional awareness, and taking responsibility for their role in the relationship, helping them build deeper intimacy over time.

2. Patriarchy Teaches Power Over, Not Power With

Patriarchy is fundamentally hierarchical. It teaches that someone must be dominant and someone must be subordinate.

In relationships, this often shows up as:

Control instead of collaboration
Winning instead of understanding
Power struggles instead of shared leadership

These patterns don’t only affect women; they impact men as well. For example, a man may feel threatened or “less than” another based on height, physical presence, or perceived strength, leading to comparison or pressure to prove himself.

RLT challenges this by teaching relational power, the ability to stand up for yourself without dominating another person. Instead of trying to win an argument or shut someone down, individuals learn to express what matters to them while staying respectful and open to the other person’s perspective. RLT teaches what it means to move from “power over” to “power with,” meaning, how do we live in partnership rather than having power dynamics that encourage a top down hierarchy.

3. Patriarchy Restricts Emotional Expression

Patriarchy strongly shapes how emotions are understood and expressed in relationships. It affects men and women in different ways.

Men are often socialized to:

Suppress vulnerability
Avoid emotional dependence
Value competence over connection

Women are often socialized to:

Prioritize harmony over honesty
Self-silence to maintain the relationship
Overfunction emotionally

These patterns create pursuer–withdrawer dynamics that many couples struggle with. Both are often acting out patterns they were taught long before the relationship began.

To help shift these patterns, an RLT therapist encourages partners to communicate openly about their feelings. Couples also learn to recognize and step out of the repeated patterns of pursuing and withdrawing that can slowly damage the relationship.

4. Patriarchy Creates Shame Around Emotional Needs

Patriarchal conditioning teaches people that having emotional needs is weak or burdensome.

As a result:

People hide their needs
Partners feel chronically misunderstood
Conflict escalates because real needs never get spoken about directly

Instead of hiding needs, hinting indirectly, or expressing them through criticism, partners are taught to speak openly about what matters to them. When people can express their needs honestly and listen to their partner’s needs as well, it becomes easier to resolve misunderstandings and build a more supportive connection.

5. Patriarchy Makes Equality Feel Threatening

As relationships begin to move toward equality and shared power, many people feel unexpectedly uncomfortable.

Someone who was raised to believe they should lead or dominate may experience equality as a loss of control or identity. Someone who was taught to stay quiet may feel guilty or anxious when asserting themselves. These reactions are signs of how deeply patriarchal conditioning can shape people’s sense of safety.

RLT helps couples move toward equal dignity relationships, where both partners matter equally and power is shared.

6. Patriarchal Roles Don’t Match Today’s Relationship Expectations

Today, many couples hope for something very different from their partnerships. They want intimate relationships that are historically new.

Couples now expect their partners to be:

lovers
friends
emotional supports
co-parents
personal growth partners

Taking it further: For a deeper dive into these relational patterns, read Terry Real's book - How Can I Get Through to You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women.

Related Articles -
How RLT Changes the Way You See Relationships
Why We Hurt the Ones We Love - And How to Stop
How RLT Addresses Generational Trauma?

Get Professional Guidance for Your Relationship

If you're seeing some patterns that are disturbing your relationship and wondering where to start, the Relational Life Foundation is the perfect place to start. We offer RLT sessions on a sliding scale. You'll be matched with an RLT practitioner in training for three sessions, with a complimentary 15-minute consultation before you commit. Sessions are available both in person and online.

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How Does Patriarchy Affect Relationships?